Journals of Severus Snape
by sev's-angel
Summary: Ever wonder how Severus Snape went from being a spy in the first war to the Potion's Master at Hogwarts? Ever wonder what the adults were doing while Harry was having his adventures? Please note, ch 1 and 5 got messed up, now fixed.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They are the property of JR Rowling.  
  
Aug 15, 1988  
  
Through an interesting turn of events, I am now the Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I can hardly believe it is true. Here's how it happened:  
  
It was the second day since the Dark Lord's defeat. At the hands of a Potter, no less. A mere babe, and his mother. I received my summons from Albus that day. It was phrased in his usual manner.  
  
Severus-  
  
Please join me for tea. I have not seen you in sometime, and have a few potion questions to ask regarding an experiment I am working on. My office, today at 4 PM? Please respond by owl.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Albus Dumbledore Headmaster, Hogwarts  
  
I Apparated into a Hogsmeade filled with chaos. Witches and wizards everywhere were dancing, shooting fireworks in broad daylight with their wands and laughing like their was no sadness left in the world.  
  
Perhaps they have a point. My first thoughts and feelings surprised me. I was angry. Didn't they realize HE isn't dead? The damm mark is still on my arm. But then, I smiled. Why shouldn't they celebrate? Any reprieve, no matter the length, is worth celebrating. But HE will be back.  
  
Turning my back on the party, I walked the few miles from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts. To my home. Granted, since I graduated, I have only been here to give reports to Albus. But, it is still the one place I feel safe in. I wonder what my lot in life will be now. While I have kept up my potion studies to well past the Master's level, I have attempted no other formal education or even a job since I graduated from Hogwarts. I had a job already. A spy to Dumbledore against the Dark Lord.  
  
How is it that I dare write this on a piece of paper? Because, as always, I will burn it once I am done. Even if I am back home to live agian, it is still not safe to leave that information anywhere. But, I get ahead of myself.  
  
In a way, I was hoping Albus would help me figure out what to do now. The Aurors, although aware that I had been the spy that had been feeding them information about the Deatheater's activities, were under orders to arrest me on sight. The Ministry of Magic refused to turn a blind eye to some of the things that had happened and didn't care that I had never killed or tortured another human being. I had been present when said acts had been done. It didn't matter that Voldemort had punished me often because I had refused to kill or torture. He had kept me because I would brew potions for him. It tore my heart and soul that I had had to do that. Some of what I had brewed had caused pain and death. My only saving grace was that for every potion I had created for Voldemort, I had created the cure to and sent it to the Aurors. Which is what the Ministry used to implement me in the crimes they had accused me of.  
  
It was with these thoughts that I entered Hogwarts and went up to the Headmaster's chambers. McGonagall was waiting.  
  
She greeted me pleasantly enough and I smiled. She had always supported me when I was the outcast student, her and Dumbledore. It had broken my heart the night I had been summoned to a Deatheater's meeting to find they had captured her. Luckily, I had been able to give her a numbing potion instead of a pain-increasing potion, and get word to Albus quickly. She had been rescued the same night.  
  
She said the password to Albus' rooms, the name of some sweet. I silently followed her up into his rooms. She knocked, and then opened the door. There stood Dumbledore, Minister Fudge, Mad-Eye Moody and two other Aurors. The two I did not know quickly grabbed my arms and handcuffed me. I stared at Albus in disbelief.  
  
Minerva McGonagall immediately started in on Moody. "Now, just you wait a moment! After all he has risked and suffered to help us, this is how you treat him!"  
  
"Minerva." Albus said softly. "I agree the handcuffs are too much, but I think that at the moment, it is more important that I speak to Severus. Alone."  
  
"Now see here," Fudge spoke up, "You can't expect us to just leave you and him alone."  
  
"No, but a silencing spell will work just as well." Dumbledore glanced at his deputy headmistress. "Minerva, you may be included in this if you wish."  
  
She nodded, and the two of them led me into a corner away from the Ministry officials. After casting a charm to keep them from hearing what was said, Albus began explaining what was to happen.  
  
I would be questioned under Vertisium potion and then cleared of all charges. This would keep me safe, Dumbledore hoped, as the Deatheaters would be aware of the questioning, and not realize I had been the spy.  
  
"I had asked you to be here at 4, and them at 5, dear boy, so we would have time to talk about this before they came. Unfortunately," Albus scowled at Fudge, "they showed up at 8 this morning, and have been here waiting every sense."  
  
"If this will let me live my life without hiding, then it is alright, Headmaster," I replied sincerely. I could stand to be roughened up by the Ministry a little, if I knew I would be left alone after that.  
  
"Albus, they never mentioned handcuffs, though." Minerva spoke up.  
  
"I know. It worries me. I think that I shall have to insist on accompanying you, Severus. It concerns me."  
  
Albus just came in and reminded me that I didn't have to stay up all night anymore. I am staying in his guest chambers until my own are ready. I will write more of this tomorrow, if only to remind myself that it has really happened. 


	2. Chapter Two

Aug 16, 1988  
  
It is just barely pass midnight, and I had already awoken for the day. It is sad that I cannot sleep for more than three or four hours at a time. As I am staying in Albus' guestroom until tomorrow, I dared not leave my room. I imagine he would hear me if I did. Him or the gray striped tabby cat asleep on the couch in the sitting room.  
  
I ended up spending almost two weeks in the jail cell at the Ministry of Magic. It seemed that there were complications and problems with people's time schedules in getting me a hearing. It upset Albus and Minerva greatly. I figured that if it meant I could live the rest of my life as I wanted, then I could spend a week or two relaxing there. I had been given my books to study. Both Albus and Minerva visited daily. It was enough to keep me occupied.  
  
Albus knows about the nightmares now. Seems that I scared the guards with my yelling after a particularly bad one. He found out, of course. I doubt there is much he doesn't know that occurs. After that incident, one or the other of them seemed to show up around midnight to visit me. They seemed to know that was when I generally woke up from them.  
  
My door has just quietly opened. Albus is standing there, Minerva in her cat form at his feet.  
  
"My dear boy, if you don't sleep, you will succeed in doing what all the years of helping me did not - destroy yourself. You barely sleep three hours a night. Go back to bed, Severus."  
  
"You know it will do no good. Writing down my thoughts soothes me, Albus, and at least my body rests. I will be alright," I replied.  
  
He looks at me, smiles sadly, and then closes the door, leaving Minerva in the room with me. She transfigures back into her human form.  
  
"I am going to play dirty, Severus. He is exhausted. He worries about you. You do not realize it, but he spends half the night sitting in a chair hoping you don't dream. When he hears you wake, it hurts him. He feels guilty, knowing that you are dreaming of the things that happened when you where a spy."  
  
Albus is worried about me. He has too many things to worry about. I leave my writings and go to the bed. I silently slide under the covers. She comes and sits in the chair next to me for a bit, watching me. As I drift off to sleep again, I hear a rustling of clothing, and feel a warm wait curl up against me. I open my eyes and smile at the cat now on my bed. Reaching out, I pet her for a moment, and then fall asleep.  
  
I didn't dream again. The next morning when I woke, I was alone. When I went into the sitting room to see about breakfast, I saw why. It was almost lunchtime. I feel so much better having slept that much. Hopefully, Albus slept a decent amount too.  
  
I have to go down to the dungeons now. Albus wants me to look at a set of rooms down there and discuss what I will be doing as I will be living at the school. 


	3. Chapter three

Author's Notes: I am no longer dating the entries as that is going to get confusing fast. Also, THANK YOU to CosmicPotter for reviewing and reminding me about Spell Check. I had forgotten!!! Anyway, I reloaded chapter one, which erased your review, but I really appreciated. Now, onto the story!  
  
I can't believe it! He wants me to teach Potions. Me. The ex-Deatheater. He trusts me enough to let me near his precious students!  
  
After I ate my lunch, I had returned to my room and sat thinking of what would happen now. Where would my life lead me? I was cleared by the Ministry, but if their attitude showed me one thing, it was that I still would not be accepted and liked. I should be use to it by now, but it still hurts. Of course, I buried it and was at my meanest by the time I left there. They will never know that it bothered me.  
  
It was with these thoughts running around in my head that Albus found me. He lead me down into the dungeons. Once we were on the main corridor of the bottom most level, he stopped. I think the disappointment must have been written plainly across my face. He was going to hide me down here, below even the level where potion classes were taught.  
  
"Severus?" he said gently, breaking into my thoughts. "This level is not as large as the rest of the school. But there are two sets of rooms here, a personal suite, and a laboratory suite. They are yours, to do what ever you wish. We will ward them from the students. You will also have an office on the level above, by the classrooms where you will be teaching potions."  
  
Two sets of rooms. a lab. At least I would be able to research some of my ideas I had kept written down over the years. Of course they would be warded. Couldn't have the Deatheater near the children. Wait a minute. Did he say office above, and classroom and teaching potions?  
  
"What?" I asked weakly, looking directly into his twinkling blue eyes. Please don't let this be a joke, I implored him silently.  
  
"No, Severus, I would never be so cruel as to joke about such a thing."  
  
How does he do that. All the years as a spy, and he can still read the thoughts in my eyes.  
  
"You are really going to let me teach?"  
  
"Of course, my boy. Did you think I was going to hide you down here?"  
  
My face showed that answer. He pulled me into a hug. "I don't care what anyone says, child, I am proud of you. I doubt anyone else could have done the things you did. You may stay here and teach as long as you would like." He paused as I pulled back. "You do still want to teach, don't you?"  
  
It had been what I had planned to do with my life before the night the Dark Mark had been forced onto my arm. He was giving it back to me.  
  
"Yes, Albus," I whispered. I smiled at him and turned to go look at my rooms. He trailed behind me.  
  
"I don't have the qualifications, Albus." I said as I reached the first door.  
  
"All I ask is that you sit for the Potions Master's test. As you could have passed that in your fifth year." he broke off with a smile as I glanced at him.  
  
"Flattery, Albus?"  
  
"Of course not," he snorted with amusement. "You will need to pick some paintings to go down here. This corridor is so bare! Perhaps some neon colors to do away with the gloom. Definitely must get rid of the spider webs!"  
  
"Albus!" I said indigently, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Oh, alright. It is yours. Aren't you going to open it?" We were still standing outside the door to the first set of rooms.  
  
I opened it. There was a large empty room with a fireplace. Two doors led off the room. The first was a smallish size room that I quickly decided would be my office. The other opened onto another largish room. It had a large fireplace on one wall, bigger than the sitting room. Along another wall was floor to ceiling windows, showing the ocean below the cliff. The fourth wall had a set of French doors covered with a stain glass scene of a dragon fighting off some unseen evil. I stopped and stared at it for several minutes.  
  
"I made that with you in mind, Severus." Albus' voice came from the door into the bedroom. "The bathroom is just through them. Minerva did the bathroom. She said that you would not tolerate the theme to be what she termed 'childish'. Although I don't see what could be childish about my own bathroom."  
  
Severus openly laughed for the first time in years. Albus' bathroom was done up in peppermint candies. The towels, the walls, the rugs, even the shower curtain all had the red and white candies on them.  
  
Still chuckling, he pushed open the door to his own private paradise. It was a bathroom. With a bathtub the size of a small swimming pool. It was done up to look like it was outside. The floor was the same stone as the dungeons were. The tub was made out of marble, the ledges rough, the inside smooth. There were plants hanging down from baskets suspended from the ceiling that surrounded the tub, giving it privacy. A large bird cage stretch across the end of the room opposite the tub, with a pair of doves in it cooing softly. Greenery, from herbs in planters to small flowering trees sat on every possible surface. Here and there amongst the plants sat candles that gave off the soothing smell of rose blossoms. In fact as I looked at the plants, I saw several verities of roses. She had remembered that I loved roses.  
  
I turned to Albus. "I don't know what to say."  
  
Minerva was standing in the doorway with him. They were leaning against each other with their arms around each other's waists watching me. They both had big grins on their faces.  
  
"Next week, when you take your test, we will go with you and pick out some furnishings. Now, shall we see your other rooms?" Albus asked.  
  
My other rooms were a large laboratory already completely stocked except a large bookshelf, with a supply room almost as large off to one side. The supply room shelves were half filled.  
  
"We ordered a set of the supplies that are always kept in the teaching labs for you," Minerva said. "If you make a list of the rest of what you would like I will order it when I go to Hogsmeade this weekend. Unless you want to go down yourself?"  
  
"No, I would appreciate it if you would." I replied then hesitated. I turned and walked to where they stood leaning against a table, watching me in the supply room. "I can't thank the two of you enough."  
  
"Now, Severus, it is just a fraction of what you deserve," Minerva said. "To be honest, because of various things, we never formalized our relationship, or even made it public. We never had any children to care for, until you came into our lives all those years ago. You, Severus Snape, are the child we wanted, and this is the least we can do to show you just how much we love you."  
  
I listened to her speech in shock. I had known about their relationship, and that it was a secret that only the three of us knew. I had never realized that I was loved by them. That they saw me as their child.  
  
It has definitely been a day. Not only do I get to have the job I had dreamed about for years, but I had gained surrogate parents. I was loved. 


	4. Chapter Four

He saw them today. I hadn't wanted Albus to ever see them. The scars on my body that the Deatheaters had given me.  
  
I had been in the dungeon, in my workshop. There had been hundreds of ideas for potions that I had written down in a notebook over the years. I was setting up some cauldrons to begin working on some when Albus came in. He had come to tell me that he wanted me to come to dinner in the Great Hall tonight. Several of the teachers were back, and he wanted to introduce me to them. I easily agreed, for me that is. I think we both know that I would not refuse anything Albus wanted.  
  
He stayed for a bit, making small talk and watching me work. I latter learned that half the staff had spent that time frantic, searching for him. Apparently they had been harassing him most the day with different things, and he had had enough.  
  
He had been there for half an hour when it happened. Apparently adding wolfsbane to the invisibility potion was a bad thing. The potion exploded, covering me to the waist. And to make matters worse, it had become a fast acting acid. I quickly conjured a small rain cloud to rinse the acid off, but by then clothes that it had touched were gone. I was left standing before Albus naked from the waist up.  
  
At first he was just concerned for my safety. Once he realized the potion had not affected me in anyway, he actually looked at me.  
  
"Severus," he whispered in horror, "what. who. how did." he trailed off weakly. He knew what the scars that crisscrossed my torso had to be from. Or who had caused them anyway.  
  
"Albus, it's alright. It is over, for now. Don't worry about them." I sought to reassure the man whom I considered to be my father. "It's not your fault." That had been the wrong thing to say.  
  
"Not my fault!!!" Albus exploded. I don't remember what exactly was said but we ended up in my sitting room. We started a fire in the fireplace, Albus conjured up two plush chairs and a table in front of it, and then tea. We talked for a longtime about the war in general. Then we discussed my time with Voldemort. I refused to go into detail about what had happened, and he would just have to accept that.  
  
An hour latter, the fire suddenly turned green, and Flitwick stuck his head into the room. "Ah, Headmaster, I was looking for you." Albus' respite was over. He left, after making me promise to both show up for dinner, and to get a full check-up in the hospital wing tomorrow. 


	5. Chapter Five

It burned. My arm. The damn mark. Albus and I both knew it was not over. I had just hoped the Dark Lord had been weakened to where I would not ever have to play the part of a Death Eater again.  
  
I glanced at Albus, then flicked my gaze to where my right hand was clutching the Dark Mark on my left arm. He followed my glance. Neither of us said a word, as we were at a lunch table with over a dozen teachers.  
  
"Severus, when were you suppose to meet the Ministry to turn in your application to take your Master's test?" Albus asked.  
  
"Actually, I must be leaving or I will be late." I rose, and left the table. As I walked away, I heard Albus' voice in my head. 'Be careful, my son. Come back to me.'  
  
Once beyond the wards, I Apparated. I ended up in a room with a bed. Malfoy and McNabb were there. A dark, shadowy thing laid under the covers of the bed. When I heard the Dark Lord speaking, I realized it was HE on the bed.  
  
"Severus," the voice hissed. "You will make me a potion, to restore my strength. If you don't, you shall die."  
  
On cue, Malfoy hit me with 'Crucio.' He held it for a couple of minutes. Then, he cast a Body Bind on me. McNabb had been holding one of my arms straight out. Now, I froze that way. Malfoy undid my sleeve. McNabb held a bowl under my arm as Malfoy took a knife and slashed my wrist. I watched as my blood filled the bowl.  
  
When Malfoy had enough, he bound my wrist. McNabb dipped a goblet into the bowl, and then helped the Dark Lord drink MY BLOOD!  
  
"Strong, Severus. It is the magic in the blood of my Death Eaters that is keeping me alive. Your blood is full of magic. You have just become my preferred donor, until you can make a potion to restore my."  
  
McNabb was bottling the blood. Malfoy grinned evilly. He released the body bind. I immediately knelt.  
  
"Thank you for the honor, My Lord," I said, trying to sound eager to please.  
  
"Go," the voice hissed. "You will be summoned when I need you."  
  
You didn't have to tell me twice. I Apparated back to Hogwarts, and Albus. This was going to be a hell of a report. 


End file.
